


Star (Ship) Wars

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Series: Star (Ship) Wars [2]
Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Characters Writing Fanfiction, Epistolary, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 17:54:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 3,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16917558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: In a galaxy with no Snoke and no First Order, how will our heroes (and villains) fill their time?  By writing historical RPF, of course!





	1. Poe

**Author's Note:**

> beta by imaginary_golux

“’Sabé crept along the corridor, blaster concealed in her sleeve, straining her eyes and ears for any sign of the assassin who threatened her beloved queen--’ Hang on, BB, do you see that?”

Poe’s droid shrieked an alarm.

“Yeah, buddy, I think it is the pirate base. Go ahead and signal the rest of the task force.”

Boo-doop. Poe swore he could see BB roll its ocular sensors in exasperation.

“Yes, I know you know to call for backup. No, I’m not trying to patronize you. And no, I definitely don’t think we could handle all of them by ourselves.”

Two derisive boops.

“No, I’m not considering it now that I’ve said it. Okay, maybe a little.” He sighed with boredom. “How long until the rest of the flotilla gets here?” The answer flashed on Poe’s HUD. “Think I can finish dictating this chapter by then?”

An annoyed trill.

“Okay, yes, I get bored easily. I’m a fighter jock, BB-8, and we’ve been running reconnaissance sweeps for the past three hours.” He furrowed his brow. “Do you think I should have Sabé catch the spy in this chapter, or end it on a cliffhanger and leave it until the next one?”

Beee-oop!

“Good idea, buddy!” Poe flashed his beta a thumbs-up through the cockpit. “Uh-oh, looks like those pirates aren’t giving us any choice! Get ready for a wild one, pal!”

BB-8 warbled in despair as Poe locked his S-foils to attack position.

Just before Poe got a lock on the nearest pirate ship, the rest of the task force winked in from hyperspace. “Cancel that, BB-8! All power to thrusters!”

As he sped away, Poe’s comm lit up. “Sorry to ruin your fun, Dameron.”

“Aw, Jess, I’m flattered you think I can take--”

“She means your dictation, Commander.”

“I kriffing hate you, Wexley.”

***

Poe survived the pirates—and, more importantly, filing his post-mission reports. After all that plus a meal and shower, however, he was exhausted. He flopped onto his bunk aboard the _Resolution_. “BB, set those audio files to transcribe. Standard formatting.”

Bloop-boo-doop.

Poe yawned. “Thanks, buddy.”

***

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	2. Leia

Leia sighed as she scrolled down to the bottom of the chapter. At least _Adventures of a Handmaiden_ updated very regularly, because Sabé had just come face to face with an assassin. She closed the window and tried to focus on the latest draft of the defense budget.

It didn’t work. She sighed again. To think, she had only started following Poe_Hot_Damn after one of her holonet trawlers had turned up his “crazy conspiracy theory” that she was the daughter of the late Anakin Skywalker and Padmé Naberrie. A deeper dive had turned up his fictional writings, which spanned over fifteen years. Most of his early work seemed to be faintly embarrassing erotica, a mix of het and slash, mostly with what she assumed were unsubtle self-inserts. But after a gradual maturation curve, his output was suddenly dominated by a massive monolith: _Adventures of a Handmaiden_.

The work was nineteen chapters in and showed no signs of slowing down, having only recently begun Sabé’s service to then-Queen Amidala. And despite the level of careful biographical detail, it was far more exciting than anything she had to read as a Senator. Leia supposed she should just be glad that he wasn’t spreading any rumors about her heritage as part of his very popular tale.

She checked her chrono again. She had specifically cleared an hour of her schedule, and this week’s chapter had been shorter than usual… Yes, she decided, she could definitely read it again…and then she would have to talk to her good-for-nothing son.

***

**Delete all browsing history? Yes/No**

**Delete all cookies? Yes/No**

**Last 60 Standard Minutes.**

**Confirmed.**

**End incognito browsing session.**

**Log-in: leia.organa@senate.galactic.gov**

**Welcome, Senator Organa!**

**You have 376 new messages.**

**Your next appointment is in eighteen standard minutes.**


	3. Ben

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some swearing in the one.

Kylo Ren flexed fingers armored in leather gloves. (It was a little warm in the basement, honestly. But it was the principle that mattered.) Thus prepared, he authored another brutal assault against those who would besmirch the memory of his grandfather with their puerile scribblings. The keys thundered like so many artillery pieces, pounding out salvo after salvo until, he was certain, the author’s self-esteem was reduced to rubble.

“Ben?” Kylo swore under his breath. _Mother._ “What are you doing down there? Come up and have dinner with your father and I!”

“Moooom! Someone is wrong on the holonet!”

“It will keep, Ben.” He could hear her waiting at the top of the steps. “Chewbacca’s cooking.”

“God, fine!” he bellowed as secretly his heart leaped with joy. Wookiee cuisine was the _best._

***

**Comment on Skywalker’s Salvation by strong_in_the_force**

**KYLO_REN on Chapter 4: MY GRANDFATHER DARTH VADER WOULD NEEVER HAVE A REDEMPTION ARK!!!! HIS SOUL WAS PURE AND BLACK WITH HATRED LIDE THE THE NIGHT!!!!**

**strong_in_the_force on Chapter 4: ...dude, you do know what an AU is, right? Chill the fuck out.**

**[This thread has been locked and marked for review by a moderator.]**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol, Ben, you troll.


	4. Hux

Armitage Hux was angry.

He wasn’t angry because he had washed out of the New Republic Military Academy. He wasn’t angry because he was the jumped-up Colonel of the militia of a backwater planet. He wasn’t angry because of the new liquid diet he was experimenting with. He wasn’t even angry because he had read something by KYLO_REN or chrome_plated_heart or any of his other online nemeses.

(All of those things were true, incidentally.)

No, Armitage Hux was furious because he had worked himself into a plot hole. “How to fix the flaw in the reactor without admitting that there was a flaw in the Death Star?” he asked aloud. The empty apartment gave him no reply.

If only he hadn’t driven off his last beta, he mused. (Or the three before that.) No, he decided, his fingers flying over the keys, that was defeatist talk. And such talk was unbecoming of--

“Giles Tarkin gaped at his father’s munificence. ‘For you, my dear boy, I have built an even grander weapon, destined to outshine my Death Star--’ (Hux didn’t like to think about Krennic. Served the fool right to die on Scarif.) ‘--no, father, don’t say it--’ ‘--destined to outshine my Death Star even as you are destined to outshine me.’” A grin of wicked triumph split Hux’s face. “Perfect.” A perfunctory review followed, then his latest chapter was ready to post.

***

**Comment on Grand Moff’s Triumph by Tarkinson**

**chrome_plated_heart on Chapter 8: ...really, a bigger superweapon? Compensating much?**

**Tarkinson on Chapter 8: a superweapon solves any problem. Not that you’d know how to handle any weapon. Literally or metaphorically, you ice queen.**

**chrome_plated_heart on Chapter 8: the girl moaning my name in the barracks last night begs to differ. Your move, Tarkinson.**

**fn-2187 on Chapter 8: ...actually, if you want to get into it, Grand Admiral Thrawn has a far more impressive record of military victories using solely conventional forces. And has written a treatise on how, on a per-credit basis, a superweapon not only becomes vastly less effective the larger it is, but is also less efficient in terms of firepower output per credit committed to construction compared to an equivalent value of standard capital ships.**

**Tarkinson on Chapter 8: NOT IF YOU NEED AN ENTIRE PLANET DESTROYED**

**fn-2187 on Chapter 8: um, Thrawn actually considers that as an extreme edge case. He cites the Sith destruction of Taris using purely conventional weapons. He concedes that while the Sith fleet was massive, it would have cost about a third of the construction of the Death Star, and would be more flexible to deal with smaller threats. Sorry, I don’t mean to keep harping on this, but usually your stuff is so well researched.**

**chrome_plated_heart on Chapter 8: Tell me more about this Thrawn.**

**KYLO_REN on Chapter 8: MY GRANDFATHER DARTH VADER WOULD NEVER HAVE FALLEN FOR SUCH A PITFUL TRAP AS THAT!!!!**


	5. Phasma

Captain Phasma wiped her mouth, leaving a sated brunette sleeping in her bunk as she opened her personal terminal. She couldn’t remember the girl’s name, but she had Research to do. This fn-2187, for all his faults, had an extensive knowledge of military history and had provided her with a host of leads to pursue. She had been blind to focus on Tarkin and his misguided faith in enormous battle stations. (She had had to abandon half-a-dozen works in progress; she wasn’t about to waste any more effort on an inferior role model.) Whole new worlds seemed to open up before her: Thrawn, Exar Kun, Daala.

None of them, of course, quite lived up to Palpatine. But then, nobody lived up to Palpatine in her eyes. Masterminding a war from both sides? Staging an invasion of his home planet? Concealing himself under the noses of the Jedi before wiping them out? Manipulating himself to the top of a Galactic Empire? Betraying a series of apprentices and catspaws, replacing them seemingly on a whim? Heady stuff, and that was without taking his prodigious abilities with the Force into account.

Ay, there’s the rub, she thought. Palpatine was _too_ perfect, unattainably so. It did nothing to taint him in her eyes, but sometimes it was nice to have a role model a little more within reach. Currently, Thrawn was at the top of her list, though she had no use for artistry herself. That didn’t stop her from looking, though, and recently her attention had been drawn to a consummate warrior from the days of the Old Republic. Unfortunately, sources on him were obscure. That meant only one thing, much as she regretted it.

“Who you writing to? Another girlfriend?” lilted the voice from the bed.

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Phasma replied tersely. Let her make of that what she will, Phasma thought. With luck, her online conversation would be over before she understood the implications.

***

**chrome_plated_heart: @fn-2187, what do you know about Mandalorians?**

**fn-2187: be more specific? We’re studying their pacifist period right now.**

**chrome_plated_heart: spare me your bleeding heart. What can you tell me about Canderous Ordo?**

**fn-2187: I think more people should ship him with Revan? Or did you mean something else?**


	6. Finn

Finn groaned. Ten thousand words on the Duchess Satine’s efforts to keep Mandalore neutral during the Clone Wars? In three days? It was assignments like this that almost made him look forward to his twenty-first birthday when he would assume his majority and officially be named Crown Prince. Then he could stop taking these ridiculous classes.

...Except that he wouldn’t, because some day in the future, gods preserve his mother and father, it would fall to him to rule. And he owed it to his people to govern as well as he was able, whether in war or in peace. And that meant doing the research now.

Maybe, he rationalized, his essay would be easier to write if he had a better sense of Satine as a person. Yes, that would help, he decided, skimming through the listings for her character tag. His eyes caught on a familiar username with interest: DurasteelRose’s stuff was usually pretty good, and really thorough. Like, weirdly thorough. Like, he fully expected to know exactly what alloys were used in the different armors for clone troops, battle droids, and Mandalorian warriors by the end of the fic. Well, he reasoned, he could always skip over that and go right to...the Duchess pining nobly at a Jedi Knight? Maybe he could ask her about it. After he finished reading, of course.

***

**fn-2187: @DurasteelRose kind of a weird request but I’m working on, um, a lengthy meta about Satine. Having trouble getting it to come together. Since you’ve written a lot about the time period, would you give it a look?**

**DurasteelRose: ...you need a beta reader?**

**fn-2187: (sighs) I need a beta reader.**

**DurasteelRose: ...um, okay. When were you hoping to post it?**

**fn-2187: (wrings hands) tomorrow? It’s kind of for school.**

**DurasteelRose: ...thank god for caf. Alright, send me the link.**

**fn-2187: you’re the best.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry! I couldn't get the joke to work with Poe.


	7. Rose

Rose squeezed the last of the water out of her hair and flung her towel into her hamper. Another long day fixing mining equipment followed by a long night betaing someone’s essay on Mandalore, and she wanted nothing more than to curl up with leftovers and fic. At least Paige’s ore hauler was still three days out. Much as she loved her sister, she didn’t have the spoons to deal with _anyone_ right now, even her sister/roommate/best friend/beta reader.

Instead, she curled up on the loveseat and started skimming through the tags. Ooo, waitingforsomeone _finally_ updated their Barrissoka WIP! Rose winced: the rating had been bumped up to Explicit. It wasn’t that she _minded_ reading porn. Just that she minded reading _bad_ porn. And waiting wrote porn like a virgin who had learned everything from cheap holos. She sighed. At least waiting had added another six chapters. Hopefully most of them would be filled with the same sort of gripping adventure and emotional tension that kept her coming back despite the mediocre smut.

Which reminded her: she had to decide whether she wanted to post her latest work. She hadn’t written for Obi-Wan/Satine in ages, but something about their heroic commitment to their ideals despite their strong mutual attraction kept her coming back. Eh, she decided. What was the worst that could happen? Okay, people could hate it and then she would have to take it down. On the other hand, apparently she was some kind of expert on them now? Add that to the list of surprises in her life. Maybe competent erotica in her near future, too?

***

**DurasteelRose added “Padawans Over Pantora” to rec list “Angsty Femmeslash” with the following comment:**

“ **8.5/10 Five out of five for plot, pacing, characterization, and SO MUCH pining. The dogfights and battles with droids and local wildlife alike leap off the page for pulpy thrills. Sadly the weak smut and irregular posting schedule keep me from giving this a perfect score.”**


	8. Rey

“Come on, come on,” Rey muttered, buffing the last of the corrosion off the battery pack she had salvaged. She had thirty flimsi sheets worth of plot gizka to transcribe before the cheap ink faded and she could no longer read the notes in her cramped scrawl. “Yes,” she hissed as the terminal hummed to life. Sure, it would be worth eight and a quarter portions if she handed it over to Plutt, but she needed something to keep her sane.

For her, that meant fic. Some of the old Star Destroyers still had intact memory chips, full of propaganda about the Jedi. She devoured them, soaking up names and faces and exploits. She knew that, given how bad the Empire was, they were almost certainly lying about the Jedi. She also knew that the Empire wasn’t very creative, which meant that a lot of what they reported probably had some basis in truth, truth that had been twisted and blurred; truth that could be found again if she was only careful enough. And somehow, when she held the dusty memory chips and closed her eyes, that truth seemed to leap into her brain, like she could hear the thrum of the lightsaber in her ear, feel the pulsing of the Force through her body.

Then it was up to her to capture those vivid images as best she could, and fill in the rest from guesswork and imagination. As near as she could tell, the Jedi traveled the galaxy having fantastic adventures. Specifically, they always seemed to travel in pairs: master and padawan. Master was a word she knew all too well, but they didn’t seem to own their padawans, precisely. (Whatever padawan meant?) The arrangement seemed to be something like the warriors from the planet Sparta, who always served alongside their lovers. Except that Jedi didn’t marry, so they just pined and had torrid affairs, apparently.

Speaking of torrid affairs… Rey scowled. Another comment pointing out that she wrote smut like a clueless virgin. She wasn’t completely clueless! ...it’s just that all she had to go on were the entertainment holos salvaged from officers’ quarters. Those were even worse.

She shrugged. Well, at least she was getting better at it. And those notes weren’t going to transcribe themselves. And afterwards, if she still had any charge, she knew a few sites guaranteed to improve her mood.

***

**From: twoblades@galaxyonline.net**

**To: skywalker.luke@temple.jedi.org**

**RE: uncanny story**

**L, have you seen this story? It reads like one of my old mission reports!**

**...Okay, a much more well-written, way sexier version of one of my old mission reports. But the details are all correct. Like, all of them. (Except the sex. You know what I mean.) Even the ones that never made it into the official reports, and those were classified. And there’s no way anyone should know them because everyone who was there is dead and buried.**

**Anyway, I know the Force can give people visions. I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here, but it’s either that, or this person has access to a huge treasure trove of information on Jedi activities. Either way, thought you should know.**

**All my love to you and Leia,**

**AT**

**Attachment: padawans_over_pantora.pdf**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! Bonus Ahsoka!


	9. Han and Chewie

Han Solo, for once in his life, had access to actual medical care. The shrink had told him to take up blogging. Said it would help him open up. Han wasn’t sure he believed him, but he did it anyway. Mostly pictures of whatever tramp freighter he and Chewie were operating that week. But every once in a while, a story would come pouring out. Often old stuff, stuff from the Rebellion or when he was a kid back on Corellia.

And, to Han’s surprise, it was nice to be able to share what he had been through on his own time, anonymously. And people seemed to like reading them! Mind you, nobody seemed to believe him, but he reckoned that was part of the territory of becoming a grumpy old man.

Not that he had much to be grumpy about. And speaking of which… “Chewbacca, how are we doing?” His copilot howled back the good news as the ship came out of hyperspace. A grin unfolded on his wrinkled face. “Chewie, we’re home.”

***

**https://amazinganimalphotos.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/cutest-cat-picture-ever.jpg**

**Caption: uughghhhgh aaahnruh raaaaaahhgh**

**Posted by wwanro_oarachuraan, 83 likes, 31 notes**

**waitingforsomeone reblogged from wwanro_oarachuraan and added: Just what I needed after a long day!**

**fn-2187 reblogged from waitingsorsomeone and added: so cute! Now I can get back to studying.**

**Poe_Hot_Damn reblogged from fn-2187 and added: I think I got lost in its eyes!**

**DurasteelRose reblogged from Poe_Hot_Damn and added: I know, right?**

**Comment by waitingforsomeone: You! You put my fic on a rec list! Even though you said the porn was bad!**

**Comment by DurasteelRose: Sorry?...**

**Comment by waitingforsomeone: no, it’s okay, I don’t have much experience. Hard to find anyone on Jakku**

**Comment by DurasteelRose: ...are you hitting on me?**

**Comment by waitingforsomeone: No! I mean, I don’t think so? Am I hitting on you? I do really like your fic though. Actually, that goes for everyone on this reblog chain. You all do so much research!**

**Comment by fn-2187: Thanks! I love your stuff! We should set up a chat and share sources.**

**Comment by Poe_Hot_Damn: Yaaaasss**

**Comment by fn-2187: @waitingforsomeone, speaking of Jakku, are you studying the aftermath of the battle?**

**Comment by waitingforsomeone: ...in a manner of speaking. It’s a long story.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The caption on Chewie's post reads “pretty kitty” per http://www.wookietranslator.com/


	10. Finn and Rey

“When you said you had a ship, I didn’t realize you meant the royal yacht of Haruun Kal,” Rey quipped.

“Yeah, well, when you said you lived in the middle of nowhere on Jakku, I didn’t realize you meant a gutted imperial walker. Besides, I’m a big deal on Haruun Kal.” He favored her with a dazzling grin. “Do you need to pack anything?”

“I, um, haven’t got much. But I do want to keep it.” She squinted at him. “And then what? You sweep me away to Haruun Kal and I live in royal splendor? Until what, you grow bored of me?”

“Somehow,” Finn promised, “I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.”

***

**Fairytale Princess for Prince Serafinn?**

**Reported by TrillMernZerek.com**

**Haruun-Kalish Prince spotted taking personal ship to the wastes of Jakku. The brief trip was apparently to collect a young woman, sources report. Our reporters are trying to verify her identity and her relationship, if any, to the prince. However, early reports suggest that she and the prince met through holonet communications and chat rooms.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A long, long time ago...and they still have TMZ


	11. Luke and Leia

“Are you sure I can’t do anything to help in the kitchen?” Luke asked.

“No!” Han shouted, a little too loudly.

Leia took a deep breath. “Han just has strong opinions about what color milk should be. But you didn’t invite yourself over for dinner just to offer to chop vegetables.”

“No…” He flexed his artificial hand. “I may need your help finding someone. I believe she’s a young woman from Jakku; either very strong in the Force or has access to information on the Jedi.”

“A young woman from Jakku, huh?” Leia snorted a laugh. “You might have to get in line.” At Luke’s blank look, she pulled up the latest from TrillMernZerek.com.

“This must be her,” Luke gasped. “The Force… I reached out through the Force, and it told me to go to you.”

“Glad to help,” Leia quipped. “Come on, I think the Force is telling me it’s time to set the table. Or maybe it’s just the smell of roast leg of nerf.”

***

**From: skywalker.luke@temple.jedi.org**

**To: waitingforsomeone@galaxyonline.net**

**RE: May the Force be with you**

**I think we may have much to discuss.**

**Luke Skywalker**

 


End file.
